A Series of Unfortunate Events: A Look into the Hilarium of My Life

You know how after you read a good book, you continue going over the really captivating or hilarious parts in your head? Sometimes I feel like my life has been a string of quite insane events, some of which seem to have been perfectly orchestrated for the purpose of producing a fictional book. But the kicker is, that these ultimately unrealistic events have actually happened to me. I find that I don't really need to read books anymore for entertainment. I find a quiet corner of the world, plop down, and reflect on the hilarium that my life seems to be, and has been for some time now.

I could start with the incident of my two front teeth. I believe this is when my life started becoming story-book material. I was 21, enjoying the freedom that comes with college living, playing softball for my university; all in all life was just about perfect. And then the accident. Quite a traumatic accident, it was: taking a softball to the face, coughing up one of my two front teeth, the other hanging on by the nerve ending. Not a pretty sight. However, after the initial drama of it all fizzled down - hilarium began. In an attempt to "save" my teeth (as if I was so attached to them that I wanted to keep them), the emergency dentist shoves both back up in my jaw. Unfortunately, he couldn't quite position them perfectly, thus my originals hung down a few extra millimeters. So here I am 21 years old, with my first set of buck teeth. Though I had never been a very self-conscious person, I began to feel a bit awkward at that point. Darn you, you strange, sweaty, dentist from Florida.

You would think that is funny enough - but the story doesn't end there, folks, I only wish it did. As soon as I was able, I visit my family dentist. After undergoing 12 root canals on each tooth over a period of a year, my dentist informs me that we are not going to be able to "save" my teeth after all. And I am okay with that, but correct me if I'm wrong, "Did we need to go through the oral surgery every month if we were going to eventually conclude that the teeth are going to get kicked to the curb anyway?" Just wondering? Caps are the way to go, according to the doctor. Alright, lets get those suckers in and allow me to go about with my life. Little did I know that the procedure to acquiring caps is quite complicated. Impressions, x-rays, 3 hour office visits. Finally, my "temporary caps" are ready to be installed. Temporary, because the real pearly whites are being made in the lab and won't be ready for a few weeks or so. Temporaries are adjusted and glued into place, I go back to my every day life of student teaching and such. Not a thought given to my temporary caps. Maybe that was my biggest error (not giving a thought to my temps), I'll never really know. But what ensued, yes, I've given much thought too since then.

The temps find a way to publicly humiliate me, I knew it! In a restaurant, eating a grinder. Could it get any worse? What is this hard thing in my chicken grinder? I spit it out, I wonder what it is, I contemplate what I see, realization hits me. Bam!! Oh, that hard white thing lying down there on my plate next to the chewed up piece of chicken, is my two front teeth. Nicely played. I now look like a hill jack from the coal mines of Kentucky (no offense Debbie). Wow, I immediately cover my mouth with my hand, pick up my two front teeth, check to see if anyone had a chance to witness this horrifying moment, take a long sip of soda, stand up masked in ultimate humiliation and walk out of the restaurant never to return.

And there you have it my friends, my first story book tale. I wish you only knew the rest of my life's tale. This is just the beginning.