The Next Series of Unfortunate Events: Blind Dates

To continue with my story book life....

Soon after I made my home in North Carolina in 2001 the locals began to bombard me with one particular question. "Are you dating anyone?" This question is not so uncharacteristic to ask of someone my age and appointment in life, but after fielding it on a daily basis, it became somewhat of a small nuisance. There were several reasons why I wasn't dating anyone at this time, but my new found friends would hear none of them. So here begins a string of blind dates that could upset the stomach of those lacking a sense of humor, or could give fodder to those folks who revel in humor.

Of all of the guys that I was set up with, the first should have been a clue as to how the rest of my blind dates would play out. So as not to upset anyone, let's call date #1: Bob. Bob was an engineer (not bad, eh?). He had a good job, he dressed fairly well, quite attractive, and loved the outdoors. Good resume so far, wouldn't you say? I had a great time with he and some of my friends on our double date, and decided to try for a second date. In no time at all a week had passed and we were on our way to Crowder's Mountain for our second date. Crowder's Mountain is a state park not far from Charlotte that has some killer mountain trails. Bob had decided not to tell me where we were going specifically, so I had not dressed for a hike. A bit disconcerting at about 1.5 miles into the hike, my shoes pinching my feet, my jeans sticking to me like jam on toast. I was huffing and puffing, trying to play off the fact that my heart was about to beat out of my chest and my legs were screaming for more oxygen. "Bob, what is the elevation gain here at Crowder's Mountain?" I ask between gasps. The reply goes something like this, "I think it is about 2000 ft over 1.5 miles". WHAT???

Believe it or not, I continue to see Bob, even after the Crowder's Mountain mishap. I remember the breaking point. There is always a breaking point. We were out to dinner, Valentines Day, and Bob begins to tell me of his plan to live to 150 years of age. I laugh and then quickly hide the hilarium, when I realize he is serious about the age thing. Do you think you are Abram of the Bible, dude? What is this guy thinking. He then tells me how he is going to make his first million dollars before he turns 30. What? Why would you need to make a million before 30 if you are going to live forever? C'mon, Bob! Are you dellusional? Am I? Date over, relationship (the tiny bud of a relationship) ended!

Okay, so Bob was a bit off of his rocker, I do need to stop and breathe a moment. This is even crazier. Bachelor #2: Rick. A high schooler that I know tells me she has the perfect guy for me. I ignored her for a few weeks, until she shows up at my house with a phone number for Rick. She tells me that I need to call him because she told him I would. Excuse me? What did you tell this stranger? That I would call him? Who does this? Maybe this is the way high school dating is nowadays, I don't know? I delay the inevitable for a few days, maybe a week. High schooler putting on the pressure, entreating me. Okay, Okay.

What do I say if I call Rick? "Hi Rick? My name is Leslie, the girl that 'so and so' told you about." I work up the nerve, dial the number, laugh to myself, and dive in. Rick seems okay with the fact that, me, a strange girl, just called him. I don't know if I should feel relieved or weirded out about that. A few plans fall in, we still haven't met. I decide to invite him to church on Sunday. He declines, telling me that he and his friends are going to Oz Fest on Sunday and then on to Hooters for wings and beer. Okay...probably not going to be my type if Oz Fest is winning over church, and if Hooters is on the ticket. Rick surprises me and calls back, he has decided to skip Oz Fest and Hooters and come to church with me. Well, maybe there is something there. I meet Rick at church, he is quite attractive - alright this may work. Then I open my church bulletin, in bold letters the sermon title reads, "Sex in the City". What? Not the series on sex? Why is this happening to me? I lean over to Rick and give him fair warning as to what will be coming in the following moments. He seems mystified and intrigued. I am embarrassed to say the least. Why can't I go to a normal church?

We make it through the service with minimal embarrassment and blushing and head to my favorite Mexican restaurant. The day has started out rocky, but I believe it can all be cured by some killer rice and beans. What can't, really? As soon as we get our food I know I've made yet another mistake. Rick is an open mouth chewer. You know the type. Stuff food in, begin talking while chewing. And fajitas for crying out loud! I am not sure how long I had been staring at this insane scenario, before I caught myself. But then I became terribly self conscious. I can't look at his face because I am getting grossed out by the half digested food that is rolling around in Rick's mouth. So I begin looking over his shoulder, right by his ear. Maybe he won't notice I'm not really making eye contact. The shoulder thing didn't work, I became distracted by the people seated behind Rick. What about staring at his chest? No way, too low. That would be weird. It was an awful predicament to be in. I could find no solution to the problem. After a forced conversation through half-chewed food, the Sunday date was over. I vowed to never have a Sunday date again. That was just a bad idea to begin with, don't you think?

The sad part of this whole series of events is that I continue to be set up with strange North Carolina men and they are all slightly off their rocker. I mean, it can't be me, can it? Honestly, what 25 year old man talks through half-eaten food on a first date? Or who truthfully believes that they are going to live to be 150 years old? Where do my friends dig up these wack jobs?

There are many other blind date stories, of which I will save for a later time. Meanwhile, I am still looking for Mr. Right. But I'm not sure I trust my friends to pick him out for me. Would you?